I am incapable of love.

Actually, that’s not completely true.  However, I am incapable of being the type of man that women have been conditioned to desire.  A more accurate statement would be along the lines of “I am incapable of being in and maintaining a meaningful and successful romantic relationship.”

Why is this the case?

I cast the blame everywhere: women, men, parents, media and of course, myself.

I possess a myriad of faults. I’m short. I’m not overwhelmingly attractive. I’m sarcastic. I’m hypercritical. I’m insensitive. I’m poor.  Then there’s the issue of my particular interests. If you made a Venn diagram of my interests and women’s interests (stereotypically speaking), the overlapping section would be about as robust as Ashley Olsen after 12 months of chemotherapy.

But to put the blame only on myself would be unfair. Romantic comedies/dramas deserve their fair share as well.  I recently watched “Something Borrowed” (a delightfully terrible movie featuring Kate Hudson and the equally annoying Ginnifer Goodwin of “He’s Just Not That Into You”) and came to a horrifying realization: I am not, and probably never will be, anything like the male love interest, Dexter Whateverhislastnameis.

Dex (as the movie frequently refers to him, which I’m fairly certain is due to the fact one of characters later mentions his name rhymes with “sex”) is predictably handsome, successful, charming, caring, warm and romantic. To sum it up in one word: boring. I can’t imagine myself wanting to hang out with this guy.  And neither could any of the writers.  The number of male friends he had could have been counted on the left hand of Bethany Hamilton.

The most compelling (I use that term loosely here) character in the film was Ethan – played by John Krasinski – a cynical, sometimes funny, writer who happened to be Ginnifer Goodwin’s boy BFF; the kind of guy that I found relatable and somewhat interesting. However, near the end of the movie he confesses his love for her and she predictably stonewalls him because she still has feelings for Dex, who happens to be engaged to her best friend.  How predictable. The more interesting, less attractive man gets overlooked for the more physically appealing Dexter.

But the character of Dexter isn’t the problem.  It’s the “idea” of him.  He, along with nearly every other male lead in a romantic comedy/drama, represents an archetype of the male gender that women are conditioned to find attractive.

There’s only one problem with this archetype: he doesn’t exist.  Comparing this archetype to the average male that he supposedly represents would be like comparing the WNBA to something actually entertaining.

Most men in their 20’s or 30’s have other male friends.  They enjoy watching/playing sports together.  They drink together. They laugh together. They play video games.

That last part is seems to be blatantly ignored by the movie industry as a whole.  Yes, most guys in the 20-30 age range play video games to varying extents, but movies – especially those targeting the female demographic – seem intent on shielding women from this “harsh” reality.  Most men are boys/nerds at heart.  Some are just better at suppressing it than others.  But even the best have their moments where their inner “nerd” comes out.  And I want to see these moments portrayed on the big screen. Women should be prepared to meet the type of men that actually exist.

It’s a mutually beneficial idea. Men meet more women. Women meet more men. Gone are the preconceived notions of what men should be and gone are the heightened expectations of what these relationships should look like.  This is the type of change I want to see.  Forget the school systems. Forget fighting poverty.

I think we could all agree that society would be vastly improved with less “cat ladies” and socially inept 40-year-old virgins.

This is the type of utopia that I hope to see before I die…a 40-year-old virgin.

Friend: I hate losing more than I like winning.

Me: (laughing uncontrollably)

This exchange occurred while we were speaking of his experience on the basketball team. He also happened to be one of the most hyper-competitive people I will probably ever meet.  I found his passion for “not losing” combined with his indifference towards winning very relatable.  This is why I rarely play games online.

Being that the Madden franchise cornered the simulation football market, someone like myself is left with one of two options if I feel the need to carry out my dreams of seeing the Buffalo Bills consistently beating the Patriots.

1. Playing against someone in the online community and hope he sucks and picks the Patriots
2. Playing Franchise Mode as the Bills and ruining Tom Brady’s unholy Patriots.

Option #1 is out of the question. The amount of luck required for all those stars to align isn’t worth the gamble. I hate losing too much.

That leaves me with option #2…which isn’t all bad. Unfortunately, the Bills suck and the Pats are really good.  That combined with the salary cap prevents me from loading up the Bills and ruining everyone. Right?

Wrong. After years of playing and tons of tinkering, I found a solution.

1. Before beginning a Franchise mode go to Manage Rosters and make trades for 3 of your favorite players. (Mike Vick, Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson)
2. Make sure you have more than the minimum number of players for those positions. (Ideally you have 3 QBs, 4 RBs, 6 WRs)
3. Go to your recently acquired players and edit each of their position to Punter or Kicker.
4. Cut them from your team and put them into the free agent pool as Punters or Kickers.
5. Repeat steps #1-4 with every player that you want.
6. The free agent pool will now be littered with tons of Kickers/Punters that have a rating of 15 or less.
7. Make sure no one on your garbage roster isn’t a salary cap killer. Trade away any guy making more that $4 million for a guy making significantly less at his position.
8. You will be left with a team that sucks…a lot. Start your franchise mode with that garbage team.
9. Go to the free agent pool and sign all those players for 7 year contracts at, or near, the league minimum.
10. Change their positions to what they originally were.

Now you can decimate the your most hated team 84-0. Yes, it’s quite satisfying

You might be wondering about that 7^th year.  How can you keep these players for the same bargain? Easy. It’s the same idea.

1. During the 7^th year of their contract, make sure you have a surplus of people at their positions and edit their position back to Punter/Kicker.
2. Cut them so they end up in the free agent pool.
3. Re-sign them for another 7 years at another discounted rate.
4. Edit their positions back to what they were.

Regarding the draft and rookies.

1. Do what you can to sign rookies with A potential to 1 year deals.
2. Then follow steps #1-4 in the aforementioned directions.

That’s it. I hope this works in the newest Madden game. I really hate the Patriots.

We can now try out the character customization, player versus player, and more dynamic events. Here are some videos that have been posted around the net lately so you can catch up if you are still trying to find more information!

There is much more out there than a few videos on youtube and the like so head on over to www.arena.net and read up on some of the blog posts, or www.guildwars2.com to view official videos, screenshots, and read up on articles such as the PvP Overview.

Fans of Turtle Beach and MW3 will find updated information daily at 1:00 PM PT. Please see below for the schedule of updates:

• Tuesday Aug 9 – Ear Force FOXTROT
• Wednesday Aug 10 – Ear Force CHARLIE
• Thursday Aug 11 – Ear Force BRAVO
• Friday Aug 12 – Ear Force DELTA

These truly Limited Editions Call of Duty®: Modern Warfare® 3 headsets will deliver enhanced experiences for the year’s most anticipated entertainment launch.  An example of the information fans will find updated throughout the week will include:

• The Ear Force DELTA headset ships with custom voice prompts by Lt. Col. Hank Keirsey (ret.). Army Ranger, master parachutist and decorated combat veteran, Keirsey served 24 years with the US Army and now serves as the principal military advisor for Call of Duty®. It’s his voice that will lead you into battle, and inform you on your preset choices in the field.

• The Ear Force DELTA and Ear Force BRAVO wireless models feature Turtle Beach’s proprietary DSP headset technology that elevates these headsets beyond mere accessories with the inclusion of custom-designed presets.  These settings are specific to Call of Duty®: Modern Warfare® 3 and come stored in the headsets right out of the box. Developed by Infinity Ward and Sledgehammer, these presets are tailored to Modern Warfare 3 gameplay, so by utilizing these presets, DELTA and BRAVO owners will hear and experience Modern Warfare 3 the way the developers intended. No other headsets in the world can provide such a complete and immersive Modern Warfare® 3 experience.
• All of Turtle Beach’s Call of Duty®: Modern Warfare® 3 headsets feature special packaging.  The wireless DELTA and BRAVO models come packed in rugged hard plastic field cases for transport and storage or to showcase and protect your headset. The stylized design ID will match the military theme of the headsets and it will serve as the perfect carrying case for your headset.
• Delivering additional value, each package will also include access to special DLC, provided exclusively for Call of Duty®: Modern Warfare® 3 headsets owners. Specific details about the DLC will be released at a later date.

Pre-sale orders for the Turtle Beach Call of Duty®: Modern Warfare® 3 headsets are underway at many of Turtle Beach’s top retail partners’ online stores in the North America, Europe, Australia and elsewhere, including but not limited to: BestBuy.com, GameStop.com, Amazon.com, WalMart.com and others.

I was very wrong.

Upon my arrival, the heat and humidity of Indianapolis greeted me like the steam off of Satan’s piss. Sweat seeped from my pores without any physical exertion or effort. The day before the festivities began, the Indianapolis Convention Center stewed with the sweat and breath from all the exhibitors as everyone set up their respective booths. To my surprise, there existed only a handful of TV monitors or anything that even resembled video games.  Instead of the electronic decadence I anticipated, I saw a myriad of booths dedicated to table-top games and LARP related material. No sensory overload. No loud music. No booth babes.

The convention lasted four days and throughout the week I witnessed things I had never seen firsthand – booths dedicated to selling “outfits” for LARPing, people excitedly purchasing fantasy/sci-fi related figurines and paintings, countless people dressed as notable characters from various forms of media (TV, films, animes, video games) and countless others outfitted like extras from Game of Thrones or Wild Wild West.  It was surreal. I found myself thrown in the deep end of the “nerd elite” pool and I didn’t know what to do…so I started pooping.

Figuratively speaking, it was easy to poop all over these attendees. If you were to close your eyes and imagine the archetype nerd, many of these would have easily fit into the mold.  Having fun at these people’s expense was about as easy as beating Stephen Hawking in a pick-up basketball game.  In my mind, I was draining 3’s and throwing alley oops to myself while screaming “YOU CAN’T STOP ME! YOU CAN’T STOP ME!”

But then something happened.

I came to the realization that I am douche.  I was in their world and they didn’t care about the fact I was mentally pouring in buckets on them at an ungodly pace.  We fell on the opposite sides of the spectrum.  In their minds, some moron with misplaced priorities was running around the court bouncing a ball and throwing it towards a bucket suspended 10 feet in the air while they attended to more important matters regarding the time/space continuum and the point of singularity.  This group of people found their sanctuary – a place where they could be themselves without the fear of judgment or scrutiny.  They were among their own and I became the outsider.  They referenced things (in speech and in costume) I knew little of and I became the alienated.

Then I thought of the name of this site: gamechurch. The word “church” holds so many negative connotations. Many people associate the repugnant stink of hypocrisy and judgment with the “church” and they do it with good reason.  And I came to the horrifying realization that I had become what people hate about the “church.”  I judged. I condescended. I thought I was better.

But I’m not better…and neither is anyone else.  Surprisingly, GenCon provided a blueprint of what churches should be: a place where people can gather and be themselves without worrying about the residents of Mt. Pious looking down on them.